Why Workplace Goodbyes Hurt So Much

We invest so much of ourselves in developing strong - almost familial - relationships at work. When workplace friendships are severed, the grief can be like small deaths.

When WNBA rookie forward Angel Reese found out her coach Theresa (Tspoon) Witherspoon was fired, she posted a long, emotional message on Twitter, saying she was ‘heartbroken.’ Given the harsh environment of Twitter these days, Reese’s post was quickly mocked, with many comparing it to an obituary.

I confess, when I read the following, it did sound eerily like a eulogy.

You were an unsung hero in my life. We built a relationship in a short amount of time that will last forever. I’ll never question God why he brings people in my life and takes them away from me in the capacity that I need them but i’ve always believed everyone is in your life for a reason and a season.

Reese is known for her signature long lashes — and taunting opposing players. While she might be over the top at times (on and off the court), I didn’t think the outpouring for her coach was inappropriate. Just that morning, I had had a melancholy moment thinking about a former colleague whom I considered a dear friend. We haven’t spoken in a year.

Organizations spend an awful lot of energy and resources encouraging better interpersonal relationships in the workplace. They send people to adventure camps, fly people in to headquarters for kickoffs, and bring in facilitators to assess and improve communication styles.

Companies wouldn’t do these things if there weren’t statistics to back up the fact that teambuilding translates to better outcomes –  including greater profits. ¹

But they ask employees to make enormous emotional investments in colleagues as well. Yes, there might be some we want to boot to the curb, but mostly it’s about sharing life’s most vulnerable and emotional moments. We oooooh over baby pictures, help plan weddings, advise new parents to enjoy family leave (and not worry about the job), celebrate a birth, comfort someone putting down a pet, provide an attentive ear to a colleague shredded with worry about a sick relative.

We invest in each other – while we improve productivity.

I’m thrilled all this investment is positive for organizations - but what about the human fall out when those emotional attachments are no more? When those when workplace relationships are terminated because of firings or people moving on to other opportunities?

Just as Reese grieved the sudden loss of her coach, many of us face similar grief when we lose people from our work lives. They are like small deaths; the relationship you have is no longer. It’s a grief that’s rarely acknowledged but deeply felt.

While companies focus on the financial implications of layoffs and resignations, they rarely account for the emotional toll these losses have on remaining employees—the grief that lingers and the motivation that wanes.

Julie Pham, Ph.D. and Author, recently wrote about people experiencing grief in the workplace.²

Most of us spend more time interacting with our colleagues than we do with our relatives or friends. Those we work with can begin to feel like family. How do we cope with the loss of someone in our work family?

I experienced my first big layoff in 1986 — when almost 100 people were let go - and my job was saved. I hadn’t been there long - so I didn’t have deep friendships - but I had a great boss who looked out for me - until he was gone. I also had tremendous survivor’s guilt.

How did I keep my job when people who had kids in college or babies on the way didn’t?

With the people with whom I’ve been closest, there was always the promise of a lunch, or a phone call – or, in this day and age, a Zoom. The French have a phrase, à bientôt, which means “see you soon.” But after 40 years of workplace goodbyes, I’ve learned that à bientôt doesn’t always hold true. Sometimes, goodbye really is final.

With workplace messaging like Slack and Teams, we don’t even exchange phone numbers any longer, making it harder to stay connected when people move on. When professional ties are severed, personal connections often fade away too.

When I left my last full-time job that knowledge hit me hard. Just like Reese felt the loss of her coach, I felt the absence of my colleagues, who had yet again become a second family. And while I am happy with where I am professionally speaking, there are days I really miss them.

I miss the silly memes we sent each other as a greeting each morning. I miss the snarky comments that we shared in Slack. I miss the bonding over silly workplace requests that had us rolling our eyes. I miss our collaborations in making a better product. I miss how much I learned from our conversations.

It is heartbreaking to lose valuable relationships. For 22-year old Angel Reese, her coach’s firing may have felt like a death.

The magic of LinkedIn tugged at me. Stepping well outside my comfort zone, I sent a note to a former colleague, a cheery:

“Hey there! isn’t it the lil dude’s birthday soon?”

The response was almost instantaneous.

“Hey Diane! yes, can’t believe he’s four!”

“I miss our talks.”

“Me too! Zoom?”

Turns out that small step out of my zone brought me a lot of comfort. Maybe goodbye doesn’t need to be final.

1. IOSR Journal of Research & Method in Education, “Improving Interpersonal Relationship in Workplaces,” 2015.

2. “Grieving losses in our work families allows us to adapt,” Julie Pham, Ph.D., Apri, 1, 2024.